Putting on my Oxygen Mask

I heard this quotation applied to motherhood and life in general long ago, but never has it seemed more fitting for me.  Between laundry, dishes, preparing food, etc., there really doesn't seem to be any time for self care.  There are times when it is like I have taken on another child.   Here is one example.  My dad will sit down and Akasha will run over yelling, "I was going to sit there!!!"  Really?  This is the kind of thing she does with her brother!  

Or it will look like this in the space of a minute:  "Can you make me some fried eggs?" "Can you read this thing on my computer?"  "Do you know where my coffee cup is?"  "Can you throw the ball for me?"  (OK that last one was just implied by the dog, not spoken lol.)  I just try to remember to say yes. But not in that bad way of overextending myself (most of the time).  I learned a little mental trick from a friend years ago.  Saying yes doesn't have to mean that exact second.  If I say "in a few minutes", it might be met with the dreaded, "No, noooooooooooooooooooooow."  When I say yes, people tend to go back to what they were doing and I can take a few minutes to JUST BREATHE. 

This is about the extent of my self care these days - stopping to breathe and doing a little bit of writing.  I know I need to work on it, but one step at a time.  I don't always say yes, and I am finding myself becoming more and more short tempered, impatient and generally abandoning many of my parenting standards.  So I know something needs to shift.  I am not sure what that will look like now, but knowing it is half the battle, right?  

Keeping it Real

Feeling like I should check in to say I am pretty overwhelmed.  I guess that is normal after a big move, but I was hoping to use this blog as a way to process, and I just haven't had time. Or I am not choosing it as a priority.  That is always the real truth, but I can't bring myself to see this as more important than the other stuff. There is so much to do - unpacking, legal research, medical research, doctor appointments and somehow keep up with cooking, laundry, dishes, etc.  I want this blog to be about positive things, such as how I find my way to reframing things, how I grow and come to realizations and how I learn to relate my life philosophies to caring for my dad, but I don't want it to be all sunshine and rainbows either.  This shit is hard.  The kids are fighting with each other, they are often unkind to my dad, there are times everybody needs something at the same time and I rarely get a break because I am the only responsible adult here most of the time.  My husband is miserable, the kids miss their dad, and I am having a hard time not blaming myself for all of it.  So I am thinking I need a tag called Keeping it Real.  I don't want to be one of those bloggers who gives the impression I have it all figured out and only shares the positive stuff.

Still...  I am posting with a happy picture, because I need to remind myself things aren't shitty all the time.  It is easy to get in that frame of mind when you are overwhelmed.  My default state of mind has always been pretty happy, and I do believe it is possible to choose joy in any moment, even when it seems like everything sucks.  I hope I don't lose that along this road.  I am not trying to say choosing joy is easy.  It can be hard work.  And there are times it doesn't seem appropriate.  There are times when sadness or anger or some other "negative" emotion is the order of the moment, and I believe all emotions have a message for me.  But when I talk about choosing joy, it is in opposition to getting stuck in feelings or thoughts that are bringing misery and suffering, feeling trapped and like there is nothing good in my world or any way to change it. Those are the cycles I want to break by remembering all the good and beauty that exists.

I would like to make a goal of getting at least one post per week up, as a form of self care, because I find writing to be a good way to make progress with things I feel stuck about.  I don't know if it will be possible, but all I can do is keep taking things one day at a time, trying not to get bogged down in the enormity of it all.  And stepping back to take a breath and remember what I have to be grateful for in my life.