Validation Therapy

Well, so much for getting a post up at least once per week.  Things have just been too intense here.   I looked around for Sandwich Generation blogs when I started this project, and I wondered about the lack of them.  Now I know the truth.  It is practically impossible to carve out time for something like this.  There have been good times and bad times.  I am learning a lot about caring for my dad - what makes him happy, what triggers him and more.  I am including a picture I took at a Mexican restaurant we used to frequent in Chatsworth.  We were on our way to visit my mom’s grave.  We had a party for my dad at this restaurant for his 70^th birthday and the reception after my mom’s funeral was there as well.  He does not remember the restaurant at all but is always happy to have Mexican food.  None of it is ever as good as the food his mom used to make, when she was cooking for a Mexican restaurant, but eating there brought out another funny detail from the past.  He said his mom would never allow alcohol to be sold at their restaurant, but nobody cared – they would just go get drunk somewhere else and then come there to eat! 

I have to keep reminding myself that this blog is a worthwhile way to spend my time, because I find it therapeutic and because I know I will be glad I can look back on this time later.  Who knows?  Maybe parts of it will even help somebody else in the same situation.   I would like to write a basic update post, but first I want to talk about this article I read a few weeks ago now, because I have been wanting to post about it ever since.   Turns out I wasn’t finished thinking about it, and needed some more pieces to put it altogether, so the timing is perfect now.

My journey of learning about Validation Therapy, pioneered by Naomi Fell, started with this article. 

Throughout my life, there have been moments when I am sure I must have heard something in the past, but I didn't really get it.  Then I read it again, and something about my current life experience makes it click.  This is a perfect example.  I am sure I have read that people with dementia live in alternate realities some of the time, but after reading this article, that concept really hit home.  My dad is not at the point he is ever totally out of touch.  There are memories he has lost and things he doesn’t understand, but I haven’t seen any odd “additions”.  Reading about somebody who was convinced he got a medical degree was eye opening.  That would have been a huge chunk of his life!  Even now, as I was writing this, I started to use the phrase “making things up”.  No!  Not accurate.  These ideas are quite real to them in the moment.   I had mixed feelings about this article.  While I liked the idea of not constantly correcting an elder if they are saying things that don’t match reality, there was something about the lying that didn’t sit right with me….

So I decided to delve into the actual Validation Therapy website, and indeed I found out that Naomi Fell never advocates lying and recommends avoiding redirection as well.   There are ways to validate what somebody is saying without actually agreeing with them! Reading through her principles, it was so much like everything I believe about parenting.  Behavior that seems maladapted is usually some sort of a cry for help or a way of expressing a need.  There is a good overview here.  She believes that people with dementia are aware they are wrong about what they are saying at some level, and if you agree with them, you erode trust.  I have seen this idea debated – whether or not people with dementia are capable of forming lies.  From my experience so far, I can easily see how people could feel passionate about either side of the argument.  I will go more into this below.

The part of the article that spoke to me the most, regarding my dad, was the idea that behaviors can be an acting out of unresolved issues.  Over the last few months, my dad has been telling me his dad never loved him.  He has never spoken about this before, so knowing he is thinking this at the end of his life is totally heartbreaking for me.   He also talks about some of the children from his first marriage, and how he feels like they rejected him.  I don’t know that things like these can necessarily be resolved, but it certainly gives me information about what is going to be one of his most basic needs and why he feels so triggered by some things.  There have been times my kids were in a bad mood and have scowled at or not responded to my dad when he talks to them.  He gets so upset when this happens and takes it totally personally!  Again, there is a theme here of “feeling” unloved.  He will usually say, “Why do your kids hate me?”  I assure him that we all love him and that they are mad about something else.  Of course everybody needs to hear “I love you”, but in my dad’s case, I think it is even more crucial.  He has told me his dad beat him over things that were trivial and that he hated him.  L  I am glad he was able to talk to me about this now, while he is able to, in case he gets to a place where he can’t.  I am guessing I will see some behaviors related to this if he progresses into later stages of dementia, so knowing his feelings about it will be invaluable.

I think it takes a fine tuning to sense what is going on in people with dementia.  Naomi Fell talks about disorientation and malorientation.  When something clearly is carrying that sort of heaviness, it makes sense to look at what lies underneath.  Actually, that is probably always a good idea.  The man who thought he had a medical degree?  I sense a need to be recognized or a need to feel worthy or helpful.  Maybe all those things.   Are people with dementia aware they are speaking falsely?  I am trying to work that out right now.  If they are really in an altered reality, it seems like that would be a no.  I am pretty certain my dad is absolutely convinced of many things he says that I know are untrue.  Other times, as in some of the examples on the VT site, it seems like the person really may know they are making false accusations.  The amazing thing is how validating people in many cases actually facilitates them  coming back to reality!

Writing this, I realize why I had a hard time accepting the premise that people know the truth somewhere deep inside…  In the past, everything else I have read with a similar premise was used in a really shitty way.  The person was accused of being mean spirited, manipulative, etc, and the behavior was seen as an excuse for the caregiver to walk away and not tolerate it.  Like many ideas, this one can be used for ill or good.  And the path of good when caring for an elder with dementia can be exhausting.  Again, I am reminded of parenting.  The time you invest in validating, which seems really difficult and time consuming in the moment, will pay off in less time spent dealing with maladaptive behaviors in the future, and a happier human, which is of course the more important goal.  The idea is appealing to me, whether it ends up bearing scientific weight or not.  Of course I am a very spiritual person.  I find myself thinking it could be argued that damage to certain areas of the brain makes it impossible for people to distinguish their delusions from reality, but is it possible to “know” something from a place of spirit?  I like that idea.  I am going to stick with it for now.

Coming back to the first article, I find myself wondering if there is ever worth in joining somebody with dementia in their false reality?  I am not sure of that yet.   One of my dad’s “truths” is that he is in excellent health for his age.  I am trying to convey some of his medical conditions to him, so I can find out how he wants things handled, since I don’t have POA yet, but the idea of letting him think it is all “just old age” has its appeal as well.   He also thinks he is “set for life” financially, which I am finding out may not be true depending on how his chronic conditions progress or what else might come up.  He wants to give all his money away to his kids because he thinks he doesn’t need it, so I am at least trying to get him to understand his insurance is not as unlimited as he thinks it is, but at the same time, that idea is causing him much worry and agitation. 

All I can do is look at every situation and make the best choice I can in the moment.  Sometimes that may be redirection if my children also have needs at the same time.  Sometimes it may be agreeing with him, even when I know he isn’t right, if I really believe he can’t comprehend the alternative.  And just like I have not always made great parenting choices when I look at them in retrospect, or when I am triggered, I am finding myself thinking I could have handled things better with my dad on a daily basis.  Practicing really good validation is hard.  It requires a lot of centering, empathy, total presence – not easy to do if you are a Sandwich Generation caregiver. 

I recently listened to the song Landslide with totally new ears and cried my eyes out.  Can I handle the seasons of my life?  I don’t know.  But what does not handling it mean?  I don’t know the answer to that either.  Not pretty to think about.  Just keep taking it one day at a time.  (How many times have I said that now?)  My dad is more and more talking about handing me all the important decisions about the big things.  And I just keep answering, “I’ll do the best I can.”  That’s all we can ever do, right?  And try to remember, it is enough.

Purging

Have had a post percolating around in my brain for the last several days, so I thought I should make space for an update.  Dad seems OK over the phone but is saying he knows he needs somebody with him.  Won't be long before we are there.  Busy times at my current house.  Packing, packing, packing.  And trying to cook ALL THE THINGS in my freezer.  And try to be at peace with the resulting chaos that happens when I am not tidying up everything else (see photo lol). And reducing.  Ah, getting rid of stuff – it is not easy for this Cancer who tends to put emotional attachments on things, and I have never been pushed to purge this deeply before.  In my past moves, I haven’t had to worry about space and just packed until I was done.  Now I am putting most of my life into a 10 x 15 box, so the process has begun of deciding what to let go of.  One of those things is going to be my desk.  I haven’t cleaned it out in quite some time - I tend to just pack up what is in the cubbies and leave the drawers as they are.  Not this time….

I have gone through this stuff at some point in the past and obviously decided to keep what I still have, but this time felt really different.  It isn’t just because I am trying to crunch space.  I was also shocked to find out how much stuff I plain old don’t have emotional attachments to anymore and fascinated by how that lack represented a tangible example of the paradigm shift I have been undergoing ever since discovering Unconditional Parenting and unschooling. So many of my old papers were nothing more than a bunch of academic back patting or evidence of making the popularity cut.  Now that I see so much of what happens in public schools as damaging for children, much of this stuff feels more like an embarrassment than a keepsake.

Some examples:

Program for the Pre-Prom Fashion Show – Really?  So glad I was deemed pretty enough and popular enough to participate. Ugh.

Newspaper clipping naming me as one of the high scorers on the PSAT – Great, I learned how to cram for a test with an exact set of parameters, and more importantly, I was recognized for it and my mom had something to show our extended family.

Program from the Ephebian Ceremony – This one is my favorite because I had to actually apply for it but could have cared less.  It was just supposed to look good on college applications and hey, it gets your picture in the newspaper.  More stuff for my mom to frame.  And it might as well be the teacher version of a popularity contest.

Why am I being so hard on that ex overachiever that was me?  I do have empathy for the old me.  She was just doing what she was raised to do in our society that seems hell bent on raising Praise Junkies.  I am just glad I am not that person anymore.  Most people go through their lives never thinking much about how manipulative common parenting practices and most schools are, but savvy businesses have been realizing for some time how problematic this type of mindset is.  In my life, I am thankful for the many parenting educators, bloggers and authors of books who have opened my mind to seeing things a different way.

But shouldn’t I cherish these things as part of my memories and be proud of my achievements?  Many things in my life have been forgotten while those memories are still there, so I don’t think they are in much danger, and if they have to leave at some point (like what I am watching happen to my father) to make way for keeping other things, I would rather remember how it felt to run barefoot through the forest in Yosemite and be tumbled in the Carpinteria waves while bodysurfing, or the first steps of my children and the first hug with my husband.  And as far as “achievements” go, I am reminded of something Krishnamurti said:

In this example, I see school as the sick society, so my “good grades” feel pretty meaningless to me at this point.  I was very good at figuring out how teachers test, what they were looking for and how to memorize lots of material over short times.  I rarely had any true interest in the subjects or remembered much afterwards.  There were exceptions for me, mainly in literature and science, but for the most part, I became a master crammer.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not down on education, and I think there are great teachers out there who really care about their students as well as some innovative schools trying out new things, but for the most part, I feel the public school system, at least in the US, has inherent flaws.  Grading systems, mandatory testing, reward programs, poor student to teacher ratios and dividing children into same age classrooms only scratch the surface of some of the issues I see as problematic. 

But this isn’t an essay about what I think is wrong with schools.  I am writing this post to process how much I have changed, how much I have let go of the expectation to be measured, the drive to do well on some standardized scale and the desire to be recognized for it.  I am sure there is plenty of that stuff still internalized in me.  My ego is alive and well lol, but these days I am trying to keep my focus on doing things I truly enjoy and following my interests where they will lead.  I certainly don’t want to be measured for it or be compared to how well somebody else is doing the same things.  And if somebody happens to notice something I do and appreciate it, that’s awesome, but I don’t want that to be the reason I make choices in my life. 

I love the ideas of thinking about what brings you joy and what supports your higher self when going through clutter.   I thought this quotation captured a good part of the process:

I would rephrase this saying with “hands and head”.  Might not flow as well, but both are true.  Clutter can be mental as well as physical.  I hope to be always changing and looking for ways to walk more in alignment with my higher self, learning from the past and reaching for the future.  So, to rephrase my vision with positive language instead of “don’t”s…

I want to do what brings me joy for no other reason.

I want to follow my joy without caring if I am doing it “right” or even “well” by somebody else’s standards.

I want to follow my joy without caring if I am doing it better than anybody else.

I want to follow my joy not caring if anybody notices.

I was actually thinking about these things not long ago as I took my first art lesson, wondering if I would ever share my art with the world, wondering if I would care if it got criticized, wondering if I would hope it spoke to people.  I think I would be happy to know people related to it, but at the same time, I don’t want to *try* to be relatable.  I think the moment one steps away from any of the above “wants” is the moment one begins to deviate from authentic artistic expression.  And I think this can be applied to just about anything.

Life is art.  I want to create mine as authentically as possible.  This is what getting rid of clutter has taught me today. 

Acting From Love Instead of Fear or The Moment this Blog was Born

I recently got hot home from an extended visit to my dad’s house.  About a year ago, I thought it was already time for him to start thinking about not living alone.  His vision was poor and his memory was going, but overall he was doing OK.  Well, things can change a lot in a year when you are living alone in your 80s I guess - I found a whole different situation this visit.  His house was filthy, his clothes were stained, he had lost his memory of many significant people in our family, and most concerning, he was not taking his meds correctly based on the huge overage of pills left in his bottles.  He was also about to lose his license and his car, which I knew was going to be a huge blow to his independence.

So what was supposed to be a week long visit turned into almost a month.  I decided to stay past the day he was going to lose his license because I knew he was going to need the support. It was not the fun type of visit we usually have when we go to California.  I cooked, I cleaned, I made house repairs and phone calls to doctors and lawyers and financial institutions, and I worked on coming to grips with the reality that my dad can’t live alone anymore and what that is going to mean for him, for me and for my family.  I am still processing it.  That is the whole point of this blog, but today, I want to write about the moment this blog was birthed in my head.

 My parents were pretty average folks and mainstream parents.  I didn’t get beaten, I was well supported in my interests, but I did get grounded, and they were experts at manipulation.  Even when I became an adult, their favorite threat was possibly taking me out of their will if I was doing something that displeased them enough.  I have tried to follow a very different path with my young children, focusing on connection and collaboration, without any punishments or rewards.  I am not always perfect, partially because I carry the echoes of my childhood with me, but my goal is to care for the small humans in my life in ways that promote love over fear, abundance over scarcity and authenticity over "fitting in". 

Punishments and manipulations don’t produce children who act out of love.  They create children who act out of fear.  Whether they are afraid of the actual consequence or the withdrawal of love and approval, it is still all fear.  Sometimes the smallest thing will remind me of where I used to be and just how far I have come.

The house my dad lives in now was purchased back around 1995, so that is a long to feel settled into a place.  I have stayed  there off and on while visiting and even lived there for a brief time after coming back to CA after an out of state move. My mom was a nagger, no other way to put it.  If the house was messy in the morning, I would hear about it, several times.  If I unplugged a lamp to plug my laptop in and forgot to put it back, the world might come to an end. 

One night during my recent visit, as I was readying the house for my daughter and I to go to bed, I was tidying up, leaving certain lights on, making sure the right things were plugged into the right outlets so the right switches turn things on, etc., and it hit me….  I am doing this out of love.  Love for the man who fathered me and has supported me all my life.  Love for the man who has poor vision and is grasping on to his familiar surroundings as one of the only things he has left.  But 10 years ago, maybe even 5, I went through this same routine out of fear.  I mean I wasn’t really *afraid*, but it was the child in me, fearing the disapproval of my parents, going through those motions.   

My mom left this plane in 2008, and my dad has become much more lax about such things, but I know he prefers as little change in his life as possible.  Maybe I needed this period to not have the worry in my head?  I am not sure why I noticed the shift this visit   Maybe it was the enormity of what I was taking on.  Maybe it was the huge personal growth I experienced recently while working on my relationship with my husband and my gratitude practice.  In truth, all of these things played their part.  I am all about seeing the “ands” in life – one of my favorite topics - so you will see it pop up here soon probably. 

All I know is that in that moment, I was acting from a place of love.  I believe that most of the things we experience as negative are somehow tied to fear.  Sometimes it takes a bit of pondering to figure it out, but it is always there - under anger, under shame, under jealousy – fear we are screwing up as parents and that is why our kid is acting a certain way, fear of being hurt, fear we are not worthy, fear of loneliness, I could go on and on. 

This time in my life is going to challenge me to choose love.  I have already gotten snappy with my daughter when she is asking me for something over and over when I am in the middle of trying to help my dad with something.  In that moment, I was annoyed.  What was my fear around it?  I had to sit with this one for a few minutes.  Fear that she has poor manners and will never learn any.  Fear that she is selfish and it is my fault, fear that I am never going to have any time for myself, fear that I can’t handle all the demands that are going to be placed on me.  Wow, that’s a lot of fear. 

I want to remember what a gift this time will actually be as all these things that come up can be used as tools for self-reflection.  Really, we have that opportunity every moment of every day, but some moments it is harder to choose love.  I just have to remember to keep breathing and start thinking before speaking.  Not the default of this extroverted, talkative person.  Wish me luck!