A New Milestone :(

Last night my dad didn't know who I was for the first time.  Or who HE was.  And I was strangely not that bothered by it.  Now I am questioning if I am somehow out of touch or not processing it. That isn't my intuition, but I do tend to overthink things.  Yes, it is very sad, but I think there are a few reasons it didn't hit me that hard.  One is that I knew that day would come as a natural progression of Alzheimer's.  Not sure how big that one is though, as I have heard so many people say they knew the death of a loved one was coming, but nothing prepares you for the actual event.  I think another part of it is being here with him full time, meaning there is nothing more I could have done to share this last part of his life.  Another big part is that I know these states come and go.  He is often more confused at night, which is common with Alzheimer's.  Which also ties back to living with him, because I see the ebbs and flows.  I would probably be more likely to feel a mental state as more "permanent" if I was encountering it on a short visit to a nursing home, and indeed, it is more likely that *would* be the case if I only saw  him on visits!  Still, it felt like a very huge and sad milestone, so I wanted to record it as part of this journey.

Phrasing is Everything (Also Another Health Update)

The stent procedure went well and the change in my dad  has been nothing short of amazing.  He is eating 5 or 6 times a day sometimes and more active than I have seen him in a long time.  Today he had his first dose of rituxan, which had to be done in a hospital in case he had a reaction.  Everything went fine, but I wanted to make a note about a realization I had.

My dad is a classic example of the stoic males of his generation.  He often complains about pain, but when I ask if he wants a pain pill, he usually says something along the lines of, "No, it isn't that bad." So when the nurse at the hospital asked about putting some pain meds in his IV just in case he experienced discomfort, I started to ask if he wanted it, but realizing it was fairly standard, instead I said, "Would you be OK with the nurse giving you some medicine for pain?"  He tends to be an easy going guy and especially compliant with health professionals, so it was no problem.

Must remember this at home when I think he should take a pain pill or do other things in general he is likely to say no to!

Zen and the Art of Repetition

I realized very early in my time here I was going to be doing alot of repetitive listening and answering. Like many people with dementia, my dad will often ask me the same question over and over.  Instead of letting this irritate me, I decided to think it through from a zen perspective.  What is it about repetition that bothers most people?  He says something, I listen, I respond.  Would it not be annoying if he had asked something else, if it prompted a different response?  They are just words after all.  I got to thinking if I could just be in the moment and pretend like it was the first time he asked, it wouldn't bother me.  Hey, guess what?  There's that mindfulness thing again!

So I did what I do and went looking for quotations.  It has become a fun sort of break while thinking about different topics.  The above one is a zen classic.  I could get into some pretty dark humor regarding my situation, but I think I am not going to go there! The interesting thing that came out of this exercise is that I stumbled on some images related to chanting.  That really got me thinking - chanting is a spiritual process, and it is essentially the repetition of the same thing over and over.  Hmmmm....

What if we could think of repeating ourselves as a gift?  If all life is sacred, if we are all divine, then maybe all our sounds can be the name of spirit. Why not?  It is all perspective.  My dad probably asks me what day it is on an average of about 30 times per day.  Maybe I will try saying the word each time with reverence.  The day of the week is the perfect place to start.

 Don't get me wrong, I am not always patient about this.  In fact I tend to write about the things I am most struggling with, trying to see things in a fresh light.  Things with a one word answer are the easiest for me.  The things that require a longer answer or when the first answer leads to another question can start to wear on me.  I am OK most of the time, but sometimes I am in the middle of talking to the kids or some other situation when I can't answer him immediately.  I have a general rule of thumb if he asks a more complicated question around 5 times in about an hour, I will get out a paper and sharpie and write a single explanation for him to look at.  Usually the topic will be something about his health condition or why he is seeing a certain doctor.

It is a dance, as usual, around what is my highest ideal and what is possible in any given moment.  The dance of the sandwich generation.  Hey, I want that to be my logo - a dancing sandwich!  Wait, I guess I am what goes in the middle - maybe a dancing tomato slice, or piece of lettuce lol!  OK, I am losing it.  Signing off with this helpful advice: