Keeping it Real

Feeling like I should check in to say I am pretty overwhelmed.  I guess that is normal after a big move, but I was hoping to use this blog as a way to process, and I just haven't had time. Or I am not choosing it as a priority.  That is always the real truth, but I can't bring myself to see this as more important than the other stuff. There is so much to do - unpacking, legal research, medical research, doctor appointments and somehow keep up with cooking, laundry, dishes, etc.  I want this blog to be about positive things, such as how I find my way to reframing things, how I grow and come to realizations and how I learn to relate my life philosophies to caring for my dad, but I don't want it to be all sunshine and rainbows either.  This shit is hard.  The kids are fighting with each other, they are often unkind to my dad, there are times everybody needs something at the same time and I rarely get a break because I am the only responsible adult here most of the time.  My husband is miserable, the kids miss their dad, and I am having a hard time not blaming myself for all of it.  So I am thinking I need a tag called Keeping it Real.  I don't want to be one of those bloggers who gives the impression I have it all figured out and only shares the positive stuff.

Still...  I am posting with a happy picture, because I need to remind myself things aren't shitty all the time.  It is easy to get in that frame of mind when you are overwhelmed.  My default state of mind has always been pretty happy, and I do believe it is possible to choose joy in any moment, even when it seems like everything sucks.  I hope I don't lose that along this road.  I am not trying to say choosing joy is easy.  It can be hard work.  And there are times it doesn't seem appropriate.  There are times when sadness or anger or some other "negative" emotion is the order of the moment, and I believe all emotions have a message for me.  But when I talk about choosing joy, it is in opposition to getting stuck in feelings or thoughts that are bringing misery and suffering, feeling trapped and like there is nothing good in my world or any way to change it. Those are the cycles I want to break by remembering all the good and beauty that exists.

I would like to make a goal of getting at least one post per week up, as a form of self care, because I find writing to be a good way to make progress with things I feel stuck about.  I don't know if it will be possible, but all I can do is keep taking things one day at a time, trying not to get bogged down in the enormity of it all.  And stepping back to take a breath and remember what I have to be grateful for in my life.

The Great Migration

One of my favorite things about living with my dad is dinnertime.  I can usually get him to launch into some story or another about the past, and every once in awhile there will even be a new story.  I am going to work on taking notes on as many as I can and get some video as well.  The old stories change a little each time.  So who knows what the "truth" is, but does it matter?  Or are they all truths in the moment?

A family story which pops up frequently has to do with his family's "migration" to California.  I have heard it many ways, but these are always the common elements:

A friend of his mother's was writing letters, begging them to come to California from Iowa.

They sold all their furniture and packed everything else they could fit into one car.

When they got to the California border, they got detained and searched.  They took a bunch of food they brought and some other stuff as well.  He always mentions how they almost took their ham.  At first it was a small canned ham, but it has progressed to a "huge ham" at times.  :)

His dad was so mad, he thought he was going to kill somebody.

Another guard finally told the one hassling them to leave them alone.

He always talks about how it reminded him of the movie The Grapes of Wrath.

I think my dad was around junior high age when they made the trip.  I am planning to ask him if he has any other memories of it besides the CA border.  It is tricky because he seems to need to find his own way to memories. If I ask him if he remembers something, he usually says no, but sometimes it is like planting a seed.  I will bring up a topic, and even if he says he doesn't remember, later that day he will often start out with something like, "You know, I have been sitting here thinking about the time we drove from Iowa to California..."  It is fascinating and sad at the same time.  I am also going to start a Life Story project I will print out and add to from time to time.  I think it will help to give him some sort of purpose if I tell him it is something his grandkids have asked for.

More to come...

Made it to California!

Thought I should do a basic update post.  Somewhat of a harrowing trip to CA pulling the trailer over all the mountains.   It ate up an insane amount of gas!  A light in the dashboard kept flashing at various times, but we think it was because of the excessive gas use.  The kids did pretty well, although they had their moments of fighting.  Thank goodness for noise cancelling headphones and Bendaroos.  They even ASKED to sit next to each other while working on some creations.

I am already feeling a bit overwhelmed and "what did I get myself into?"  here.  I am going to be alone most of the time as remote working is not going to work as well for my husband as we had hoped.  Meeting the needs of two children, and elder and a dog leaves little time for anything else.  And there is SO much work to do here!  My parenting  has been shitty.  I need to find ways to take breaks for the kids and writing, but I am feeling like I will be here for 5 years unless I start busting my ass non stop whenever I can.

For now, I just want to find certain things I packed and at least get the kids rooms to a place they can enjoy them.  Then I will slow down a bit.  See I am putting it in writing.  Doesn't that have to make it true?  :)

One day at a time, one moment at a time.  Breathe.

Balance Can Kiss My Ass

 

Plans have changed and we are postponing our drive a week.  Long story, but at least I feel like I can take a few moments to do some writing.  A few weeks ago, I took some time for myself and had a session with the lovely Sharon Ann Rose from Ministry of the Mother, and so much came out of it I have been wanting to write about.  I think I will start with what came to me about the concept of balance.  I chose the photo above because that elephant looks pretty damn uncomfortable.  I have written glowingly about balance in the past, and probably will in the future, but at the moment, balance can kiss my ass.  Or at least certain ways of looking at it.  Bear with me.

When I started the session, I was really honest about how it had been hard for me to stop packing and even show up.  But I did.  So that is what we started exploring first.  Why did I come?  What was I there for?  Sharon is very gifted at taking people on spur of the moment guided journeys that are somehow always the perfect thing, celebrating the essence of each person, right where they are in that moment.  So where was I?  I do not switch gears well, at all.  My husband calls me a “creature of singular focus”.   It is nearly impossible for me to go from packing mode to chilling with my husband or self care or really pretty much anything that doesn’t involve getting things into boxes.   At one point during the meditation, I asked myself what I needed, and my first thought was balance.  This word has come up a lot for me in my spiritual practice as something I want to cultivate.  It seems like I always have some project going on, whether I am organizing an event or working on a family photo book or searching for quotations to match with my daughter’s photography or starting a new blog.  I tend to make these projects a higher priority than many other things in my life, and the first thing to go is usually self care.  I frequently go through mental gymnastics about how I can somehow manage my time to DOITALL – time with my husband, time with my kids, make homemade food, keep the house clean, pursue my own passions, and um, take a shower now and then.   During that meditation, I had an “aha”.  There were several different aspects to it, which my overtired brain can’t seem to narrate together, so I am just going to list them.

1. So what if I am a creature of singular focus?  Sharon has this way of framing everything in a beautiful light, and that is where I am right now, so maybe I was there to get reminded that was OK.   More than OK even.  So what if I suck at self care in general?  If I choose to play a game with my kid instead of taking a shower, so be it.  I long ago realized I was going to have let go of certain things and decide on priorities because I really do know I can’t doitall.   And I don’t cross the line into a place where I would become resentful.  I do just enough little things for myself, like lighting candles and listening to music I love while packing, to maintain my sanity.

2.  I had been making an assumption that what I needed was the opposite of singular focus, which I was perceiving to be balance.  But no, what I need is self acceptance of where I am in the moment and SLOWING DOWN.  (The session actually happened before my last post, which helps to put that in even more perspective. )

3. The way I had been looking at balance was really pretty sucky, because I was feeling it as yet another task in a manner of speaking.  It was like I was putting pressure on myself to figure out the best way to balance everything, and in the process just setting myself up for another thing to beat myself up for not doing well enough.  Like I said, kiss my ass.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against the word balance and see how it can be a powerful philosophical concept to strive for.  But in that moment, I realized I was looking at it in a really unhealthy way.  What I need right now is a fat dose of mindfulness.  So that is what I have been trying to strive for, and mostly failing in recent days to be honest, but at least I am trying. 

And if you know me, you will also know I just can’t leave a topic alone without going and looking at quotations, because I am pretty much a quotation geek, and they often inspire me to think about things a different way.  So you can imagine how floored I was to come across this little gem:

OK, so maybe balance doesn't have to kiss my ass after all.  This is just what I was getting at in number 1 above!  I had never seen balance framed quite like this before.  This kind of balance I can get down with.  Now if I can just remember the key is to truly enjoy the choices and not feel guilty about the thing you decided NOT to do!!!  I think I am going to copy this onto some paper and tape it to the wall as I finish my packing.  AND keep trying to remember to slow down.  Always I need the slowing down. 

“I am putting this pony in a box, I am putting this sauce pan in a box, I am putting this pair of shoes in a box…”.  Yeah.