I wrote a post awhile ago about a session I had with my friend Sharon here. Something else really powerful came up that day I have been thinking about recently. She was leading me in a guided meditation that involved connecting to certain parts of my body. I had a vision while checking in with the back of my womb – it turned into the back of my closet, where there is a filing cabinet, and then into the back of the drawers in the cabinet. I immediately knew this had to do with the decluttering and purging I have been doing, but also the preservation of memories. When I went home, I started going through the drawers, deciding what to get rid of and what to take to California, as I had a plan to do a bunch of scanning.
This concept has really come full circle for me now, being here with my dad and seeing how many memories he has lost. Many of them come and go. Some days he insists we never lived in Van Nuys or Chatsworth; other days he will start talking about the homes we had in those cities. Some things seem constant and others seem totally gone. He always remembers who I am and who my mom was for example, but he has no memory of most of our extended family, especially on my mom’s side. He also has almost no memories of things that are significant to me from my childhood, like my first car or many of the places we traveled.
What is fascinating to me, in a very sad way, is how he seems to need to find his own pathway to some memories. There are certain people I will ask if he remembers, and he will say no, but if I can get him to think about something connected to them, he will sometimes get it. I think of it as some synapses being gone and others still being there – he just needs to find the ones that still connect, so it can take a bit longer. I have no clue if that idea holds any kind of scientific accuracy, but it works for me.
So what about my memories? Since being here, I am going through all the albums and scouring nooks and crannies for every photo I can find. I am a scanning maniac! There are so many older pictures of people nobody seems to know, which I feel really sad about, and my dad’s vision isn’t strong enough to help. I am not sure if it has to do with cognition or vision, or a combination of both, but he usually says he can’t see photos or tell who they are of, even in large ones.
I hope that if I get to the point I am having trouble remembering people, all these labeled photos will help, and I hope they will be of value to my children and maybe even grandchildren someday. I am also enjoying sharing them friends and relatives online. It is sure a different world in relation to photos than when I was growing up!
But most important to me, I find myself thinking about which memories I want to hold on to. They don’t all have photos of course. Some are about feelings, some about physical sensations, some are already just a glimmer. Things that come to mind are the smell of my dog's blankets, the sensation of cracking open walnuts for Christmas candy, the feeling of jumping off the tar pits into the sand at Carpinteria and so much more. What I have seen with my dad are certain stories he tells over and over, and those are the ones that have stuck. Now I am wanting to start writing recollections as well as just scanning photos, especially those that don’t have any photos related to them.
What another project? Who me? Get in line.
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