Choices

When I was on my way to California from Oregon, I felt really settled in the decision about bringing my dad back to live with us. My husband and I spent hours talking about it and looking at every option we could think of from multiple points of view.  Now that I am here, I am questioning everything again.  I keep thinking of little details that will complicate things and worrying about how difficult it will be.   And on top of all that, my dad’s health is in much worse shape than I realized, so I am questioning putting him through a long move.
For years, he has been telling everybody there is nothing wrong with him.  I knew he was on meds for high blood pressure and high cholesterol but figured those were common issues and well controlled.  His favorite story about his doctor (again, from years ago) has to do with him saying, “Weeeeell, there ain’t a damn thing wrong with you,” and that is the story he has continued to tell.  I am not sure if it started out with him not wanting to worry anybody, but at this point, he seems to really believe it.  Nobody has been going into office visits with him, and he apparently is not cognitively processing what they are telling him.  I knew he had been seeing a kidney specialist, so I asked his primary doctor about that and was completely in shock over the answer I got (see below).  His doctor is not one to volunteer information, however, so it wasn’t until I went to the nurse’s station, while she was making an MRI appointment for him, that I saw his online chart, with a header of his main issues, and was reshocked. Is that a word?  So here is a list of what my dad has going on:

~ Dementia – the only thing I actually knew about.  Turns out he has been on “memory pills”, as he calls them, for several years, so at least it must not be a rapidly progressing type.

~ Renal Disease – turns out his kidneys are only functioning around 20%!  His doctor was very unhelpful at explaining what this means or how this figure is arrived it, so I guess I will be doing some research.

~ COPD -  No idea about the stage.  Not surprising considering his many years of smoking, but now I am worried about taking him to a colder climate…

So you can see where all my confusion is coming from.  The first order of business is going to be having some testing done to get some detailed information regarding these various issues.  In the meantime, I have been talking to several health professionals and people who have been through similar situations, and most of them agree that being with family trumps any other situation we might find for my dad.  And they all agree on one other thing as well: don’t give him a choice in the matter.

The topic of choice is what I actually sat down to write about.  The advice I have gotten goes against everything I believe in when it comes to parenting and unschooling.  My goal is to give my kids autonomy over their minds and bodies in every way that is safely possible.  So why does it have to be so different with somebody who  has dementia.  I guess if you really examine the sentence I wrote, the key words are “safely possible”, which becomes more and more narrow as dementia progresses, but for now, I would like to at least try to find ways to put free choice into action with my dad.  I may think this is incredibly naïve of me down the road, but that is where I am right now.

I do believe people think it is kinder NOT to offer my dad options because he is actually incapable of making a decision regarding things that are complex.  Choices cause him stress and anxiety.  That did seem to be true the one time I brought up his future, during a visit about a year ago.  I asked him what he wanted to do when the time came he needed extra help.  I knew the time was coming soon, but he was in denial.  I gave him some options, like going into assisted living, hiring somebody to come to the house part time or moving in with my family.  The only option he wanted was to stay in his house, but not with a stranger coming in.  I tried to explain that there was nobody available to live with him, but he flat out refused to make a second choice.

Thinking about it more, my dad is not really in the habit of making many decisions.  He has ONE type of pants he likes, down to the color even, ONE type of shirt, eats the same sandwich every day for lunch and the same couple things for breakfast.  In the store, I will ask about trying out some different things, but he always wants to stick with what he is used to.  If I ask about what he wants to eat for dinner, he never answers and just says, “Whatever you want to make.”  He is very set in his ways, so being presented with a complex issue that involves change is probably extra overwhelming to him.

Not really sure where I am going with this.  It isn’t “coming together” like most of my other posts have.  So I guess I will just wrap it up…  For now, I am going to let my dad think we have moved in long term.  And it probably will be somewhat long term.  Once we have some more answers about his health, we can start considering a plan, and I can start working topics into conversation in small chunks.  In the meantime, I will look for opportunities to offer him small choices.  One day at a time, my new mantra.