I realized very early in my time here I was going to be doing alot of repetitive listening and answering. Like many people with dementia, my dad will often ask me the same question over and over. Instead of letting this irritate me, I decided to think it through from a zen perspective. What is it about repetition that bothers most people? He says something, I listen, I respond. Would it not be annoying if he had asked something else, if it prompted a different response? They are just words after all. I got to thinking if I could just be in the moment and pretend like it was the first time he asked, it wouldn't bother me. Hey, guess what? There's that mindfulness thing again!
So I did what I do and went looking for quotations. It has become a fun sort of break while thinking about different topics. The above one is a zen classic. I could get into some pretty dark humor regarding my situation, but I think I am not going to go there! The interesting thing that came out of this exercise is that I stumbled on some images related to chanting. That really got me thinking - chanting is a spiritual process, and it is essentially the repetition of the same thing over and over. Hmmmm....
What if we could think of repeating ourselves as a gift? If all life is sacred, if we are all divine, then maybe all our sounds can be the name of spirit. Why not? It is all perspective. My dad probably asks me what day it is on an average of about 30 times per day. Maybe I will try saying the word each time with reverence. The day of the week is the perfect place to start.
Don't get me wrong, I am not always patient about this. In fact I tend to write about the things I am most struggling with, trying to see things in a fresh light. Things with a one word answer are the easiest for me. The things that require a longer answer or when the first answer leads to another question can start to wear on me. I am OK most of the time, but sometimes I am in the middle of talking to the kids or some other situation when I can't answer him immediately. I have a general rule of thumb if he asks a more complicated question around 5 times in about an hour, I will get out a paper and sharpie and write a single explanation for him to look at. Usually the topic will be something about his health condition or why he is seeing a certain doctor.
It is a dance, as usual, around what is my highest ideal and what is possible in any given moment. The dance of the sandwich generation. Hey, I want that to be my logo - a dancing sandwich! Wait, I guess I am what goes in the middle - maybe a dancing tomato slice, or piece of lettuce lol! OK, I am losing it. Signing off with this helpful advice:
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