Acting From Love Instead of Fear or The Moment this Blog was Born

I recently got hot home from an extended visit to my dad’s house.  About a year ago, I thought it was already time for him to start thinking about not living alone.  His vision was poor and his memory was going, but overall he was doing OK.  Well, things can change a lot in a year when you are living alone in your 80s I guess - I found a whole different situation this visit.  His house was filthy, his clothes were stained, he had lost his memory of many significant people in our family, and most concerning, he was not taking his meds correctly based on the huge overage of pills left in his bottles.  He was also about to lose his license and his car, which I knew was going to be a huge blow to his independence.

So what was supposed to be a week long visit turned into almost a month.  I decided to stay past the day he was going to lose his license because I knew he was going to need the support. It was not the fun type of visit we usually have when we go to California.  I cooked, I cleaned, I made house repairs and phone calls to doctors and lawyers and financial institutions, and I worked on coming to grips with the reality that my dad can’t live alone anymore and what that is going to mean for him, for me and for my family.  I am still processing it.  That is the whole point of this blog, but today, I want to write about the moment this blog was birthed in my head.

 My parents were pretty average folks and mainstream parents.  I didn’t get beaten, I was well supported in my interests, but I did get grounded, and they were experts at manipulation.  Even when I became an adult, their favorite threat was possibly taking me out of their will if I was doing something that displeased them enough.  I have tried to follow a very different path with my young children, focusing on connection and collaboration, without any punishments or rewards.  I am not always perfect, partially because I carry the echoes of my childhood with me, but my goal is to care for the small humans in my life in ways that promote love over fear, abundance over scarcity and authenticity over "fitting in". 

Punishments and manipulations don’t produce children who act out of love.  They create children who act out of fear.  Whether they are afraid of the actual consequence or the withdrawal of love and approval, it is still all fear.  Sometimes the smallest thing will remind me of where I used to be and just how far I have come.

The house my dad lives in now was purchased back around 1995, so that is a long to feel settled into a place.  I have stayed  there off and on while visiting and even lived there for a brief time after coming back to CA after an out of state move. My mom was a nagger, no other way to put it.  If the house was messy in the morning, I would hear about it, several times.  If I unplugged a lamp to plug my laptop in and forgot to put it back, the world might come to an end. 

One night during my recent visit, as I was readying the house for my daughter and I to go to bed, I was tidying up, leaving certain lights on, making sure the right things were plugged into the right outlets so the right switches turn things on, etc., and it hit me….  I am doing this out of love.  Love for the man who fathered me and has supported me all my life.  Love for the man who has poor vision and is grasping on to his familiar surroundings as one of the only things he has left.  But 10 years ago, maybe even 5, I went through this same routine out of fear.  I mean I wasn’t really *afraid*, but it was the child in me, fearing the disapproval of my parents, going through those motions.   

My mom left this plane in 2008, and my dad has become much more lax about such things, but I know he prefers as little change in his life as possible.  Maybe I needed this period to not have the worry in my head?  I am not sure why I noticed the shift this visit   Maybe it was the enormity of what I was taking on.  Maybe it was the huge personal growth I experienced recently while working on my relationship with my husband and my gratitude practice.  In truth, all of these things played their part.  I am all about seeing the “ands” in life – one of my favorite topics - so you will see it pop up here soon probably. 

All I know is that in that moment, I was acting from a place of love.  I believe that most of the things we experience as negative are somehow tied to fear.  Sometimes it takes a bit of pondering to figure it out, but it is always there - under anger, under shame, under jealousy – fear we are screwing up as parents and that is why our kid is acting a certain way, fear of being hurt, fear we are not worthy, fear of loneliness, I could go on and on. 

This time in my life is going to challenge me to choose love.  I have already gotten snappy with my daughter when she is asking me for something over and over when I am in the middle of trying to help my dad with something.  In that moment, I was annoyed.  What was my fear around it?  I had to sit with this one for a few minutes.  Fear that she has poor manners and will never learn any.  Fear that she is selfish and it is my fault, fear that I am never going to have any time for myself, fear that I can’t handle all the demands that are going to be placed on me.  Wow, that’s a lot of fear. 

I want to remember what a gift this time will actually be as all these things that come up can be used as tools for self-reflection.  Really, we have that opportunity every moment of every day, but some moments it is harder to choose love.  I just have to remember to keep breathing and start thinking before speaking.  Not the default of this extroverted, talkative person.  Wish me luck!