Choices and Decisions

I have a whole list of subjects I want to delve into, but for now, I am feeling like I want to write out some of the “bones” of my story, for my own recollection later, if nothing else, and for anybody who might start following my story and be interested.

My mom died about 5 ½  years ago, and my dad hasn’t been the same since.  He still cries several times a day when he thinks about her, and his memory, vision and self care have all gone steadily downhill, as I wrote about in the previous post.  Last year, during a visit to help him prepare for cataract surgery, I decided it was time to bring up the question of what he wants to do when the time comes he can’t live on his own anymore.  Unfortunately, he only had one situation that was acceptable to him, and it is the one that doesn’t really work for anybody else.  The only thing my dad wanted was to live in the house he shared with my mother until he dies, but he didn’t want a stranger coming in to care for him either.  There are several people he would agree to live with, but nobody wanted to disrupt their entire life to move in with my dad, and nobody was close enough to offer daily care when it got to that point.  He refused to even consider a second choice, although I offered him several. 

Fast forward to my recent visit, and it was clear some decisions were going to have to be made, whether my dad was willing to be the one making them or not. The loss of his license was the final blow for me in knowing he shouldn’t live alone as he seems confused about how to use the transportation options available to him, and then a large portion of his cash disappeared after a couple shopping trips.  As much as I didn’t want to admit it, the time had come for a change. He was still really clear on his moment to moment decisions, when I could get him to focus on a topic, and he was still just as adamant about not leaving his house, so what to do?

My husband and I had many, many long conversations.  We turned over all sorts of options, and the plan has shifted and changed even in the last couple weeks. As of this moment, the plan is for our whole family to drive to California at the end of February with a trailer full of essentials.  Then my husband will fly back to Oregon and start looking for a small apartment close to his new job.  He will finish up with our current house, taking what will fit to his new place and putting the rest in storage.  This move will be the most complicated one I have ever undertaken as I am packing things right now to go to 3 different places!   Then I get to start doing the same at my dad’s house, going through hutches and buffets and such to see what I want to keep or ask my siblings about or sell.  My mom was an antique dealer and has volumes of glassware, china and other collectibles, so it is going to be a monumental job.  My husband is hoping to come to CA as often as possible and even work there remotely part time if it is feasible. 

My ultimate goal is to talk my dad into coming back to Oregon with us.  It isn’t going to be easy, but I think it is a better choice than Assisted Living.  I just hate that I am probably going to end up being the one to make the choice for him.  I have gotten the advice from his doctor and some friends not to give him a choice, but that is so against my nature.  One of my main focuses as a parent is to give my kids as much choice in their lives as possible, and isn’t this supposed to be like having another child?  I guess it is different with Alzheimer’s or if somebody just won’t make a choice, but it is still really distasteful. 

I know this is only the beginning of all the decisions I am going to need to make, and I have always been terrible at decisions.  I tell people all the time, “I am horrible at decision making, but give me a plan, and I will execute the hell out it.”  I am more of a manifestor, so I am way out of my comfort zone.  Which things do I keep?  Will I regret it if I don’t keep certain things?  How do I handle finances around cohabitating?  Is my dad at the point I should set up my conservatorship?  Do I try to give my dad a choice about where he wants to live?  Ack, that is a decision about a decision!  My head may explode.   So this experience should be hard but also an opportunity for personal growth.  Trying to focus on the positive!

My hesitancy about my dad coming to Portland is that he is used to the Southern California climate, and he spends a fair amount of time outside, but I have to think being with family trumps anything else, and his doctor agreed with that.  Also, at one point when we were talking about when I was going to be leaving, he said, “Take me with you!”  He said in a joking tone, but he said it.  In my head I thought, “OK, once is enough!  He did actually consider it!”  He has NEVER even remotely considered the idea of Assisted Living.  He didn’t even like going to the Senior Center because he said people were cliquey, so I think he would have a really hard time adjusting to a bunch of strangers. 

Well, that is most of the story so far, for today.  I know things could change at any moment if something happens to my dad.  My adult daughter is staying with him this week, and my sister-in -law plans to drive out to him twice a week to check for store run needs and such, but I worry about the times he will be alone.  Taking things a day at a time. 

Just about every piece of advice I have read or gotten says not to uproot your family to take care of a parent, but I think we will be OK.  Our kids are not in school, and they have many friends they connect with virtually.  My husband and I both have family in the area and my husband’s boss seems really flexible.  I am a stay at home mom, so I have the time to devote to this.  All I know is that it would break my heart to see what my dad would go through if I tried to make him move in any rushed way.  So this is my compromise.  Make gradual changes.  Plant seeds.  Keep my goal in my vision.  And try to not look like the picture below too often.